Neko

… yep, despite never being absent for more than 7 months.

The last time I remember being absent was December of last year. And oh my how I survived only being late twice and never absent since then. So ok, I finally decided to take a leave last August 7th, claiming I was “not feeling well”. Technically, I didn’t say I was sick did I? But much to my surprise my boss announced on the floor that “(my name inserted and withheld for security purposes) finally got sick!”

This I heard from some of the callers the next day soon as I came in. Now I wonder, how did he say that? Was it like he was praying for me to get sick? Impossible!

Why impossible you say? Actually I have filed a one week leave 5 months ago for a vacation next month and 5 months ago I remember him agreeing to that, or it seemed much like it. hmmm (?) Well he didn’t protest nor said no when the human resources agreed to my scheduled leave. So technically, that’s a yes huh?

Unfortunately, now that the date is nearing, and after a request in writing was sent (for formality’s sake and to remind everyone) he suddenly blurts out that I cannot take my leave! And I have to reschedule everything! WTF!

Brrr, just give me the space to rant here.. I can’t believe he is saying this! Everybody knows at work (well ok those who actually know me) - where I am going and who I am visiting, and that includes him! So why now? When everything’s in place, where every plan is ironed. And everything has been paid for and no reschedule is possible. Then I get a message that says “frankly, I don’t care really if it is paid or not.” Was he thinking? Doesn’t he know how difficult and time-consuming it is to secure all the papers that were prepared for this? It took months and favors from 3rd parties just to get a hold of all the documents.

Have I not served them well enough to get their money’s worth off me? Doesn’t the drowning schedule of staying up hours after shift and coming way too early before shift just to meet their deadlines and expectations (take note, that these extra hours are without pay) not justify my right to take my leave? This leave that was scheduled and approved 5 months ago!?

People at home are pushing me to resign. There are other companies out there who treat their people with respect and would even pay more. It’s a malicious way of keeping their employees and I am not morally obliged to them or him (my boss) in any way whatsoever! They are actually the ones bound to a signed document of that approval for absence.

But noooooo.. I still had the heart to not leave my projects hanging and just run off and think of myself. I still had the heart to think of training some agents to do my tasks when I am away. I still had the heart to think of the agents who get an almost equally and closer amount of salary to mine than mine compared to other supervisors who tend to not do anything and leave the office on the dot. And yet they get 30% higher salary than me with less than half the work I’m doing. And yet, we are tagged with the same title. And yet, another “and yet” they have used up more than half their leave credits already! And I… yes I (!) never was absent for almost 8 months!

It’s time for me to take a stand. I am not anyone’s rag doll. I used to but I had the energy once before to break off from that. And now I even have a greater strength than ever before! I shall take my leave. Whether they like it or not. It’s my right and it’s their obligation to give an equal treatment to all their employees. This is a well-deserved vacation and I’m too stressed out that I don’t have time for myself anymore. And that this opportunity may not come again – if yes, it will take some time or years even! I don’t wanna let this pass and think of this in the future for another lost “what if”.

If they let me chose, then I will chose my heart. Coz you will never know unless you take that leap!

—–
photo note: “Some days are better than others” by Revisions

There comes a time when books become our refuge to change one’s perception on an idea, or even, to the extreme, one’s perspective in life. Yes, there are books that entertain you but nonetheless leave you still where you were before reading it.

But there will always be that one book where it will touch you so deep you gotta have a copy of it, even if you already have read it. That book moved you so much you just gotta share it.

In almost the same time as I was reading the “Story of O”, by Pauline Réage [wiki], a colleague recommended “Eleven Minutes” by Paulo Coelho.

Knowing he is the author of that famous novel The Alchemist, made me not listen to this recommendation at first. But the mention of “yellow” as saying “lessen the pain” and “red” as saying “stop” indicated that indeed this novel is quite different from the popular ones the masses would easily bite into. A touch of sadism and sadomasochism gave a spice to a conventional love story. This made me not judge the book by its author’s popularity (which I am guilty of always doing).

Months have passed after I last heard of this controversial book. It was borrowed by another colleague who eventually ran away with her lover and left the company. The owner was on leave the day I found his book on his table, so I got it with no intention of bringing it home. I only planned on browsing through it, as I assumed it was just another novel to let me pass the time.

As another of my habit on judging a book, I always base the plot or the way of writing by the first paragraph. Yes, it is quite undignified to always read the first paragraph of a book before deciding to buy it or settle on spending time reading it. But that’s how I am. If the lines were boring, or badly written, or simply not my taste, I would close the book and move on. They say don’t judge a book by its cover. Well, the cover is simply not the thing that would make me look twice on even holding a book. The title of the book would play that role. I simply judge a book by its first paragraph.

Anyway, going back with this particular novel, the twist of a childish fairy-tale-hopeless-romantic-conventional first line with a modern fringe made me want to continue. So let me quote..

Once upon a time, there was a prostitute named Maria. Wait a minute, “once upon a time” is how all the best children’s stories begin and “prostitute” is a word for adults. How can I start a book with this apparent contradiction? But since at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss, let’s keep that beginning. Once upon a time there was a prostitute named Maria…

Now that’s something that stirred my curiosity cup!

Actually, as I was reading in between the pages of this novel, I came across a part where the heroin in the story wrote in her diary about a pebble thrown by the lake. This entry inspired me to write a short story which I inevitable gave the title “The Pebble”. Although this is supposedly based on the novel, the lines are (let me say it) too personal for me to publish or even let anyone read. Maybe in time…

Or maybe in another blog? Hehe.. (now that I have to remind myself in making)

Anyway, let me just recommend this book to those who are actually looking for another way of releasing those tensions the unconventional way. The psychological mix of Maria as a prostitute, an innocent girl, a femme fatale, an understanding mother, a woman, as a dreamer and a realist, with the awareness that the author is non-female is thought-provoking. Men are no different from women. Women just tend to be more emotional and expressive. But we all have that common outlook in life (some simply either hide it or deny it) – finding the one who will perfectly love us despite our imperfections.

This book did not entirely change my outlook in life, but it somehow made me think that dreams only cater the unexplainable. And in reality, a miracle is having one happy day of realizing our dream. It’s just a matter of seeing, feeling and accepting what life has to offer.

—–
photo credit: “DOMINATION” by maldonadophoto.com

The first comp erotic chat.
It started with a forwarded sms…

Boy: “Daddy? How did I come into this world?”
Dad: “listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, Dad connected to Mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from Dad’s memory stick. When Dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use a firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus”

Geek Girl: maybe someday you will have to use this for an answer too. hehehe when your kid ask
Geek Guy: hope that dad is allowed to upload more! because the memory capacity of mom is endless hehe
Geek Girl: well as long as mom’s cache is not loaded
Geek Guy: tssk!
Geek Girl: well mine isn’t loaded. and you just need to click refresh
Geek Guy: white as the google start page i give hehe
Geek Girl: well hmm.. should i disable my firewall then? but still think we need the anti-spyware. dont want others to watch us
Geek Guy: hope at least one program more is made. with my input and your transforming caring attention it must be a wonderful product
Geek Girl: mmm yes and not a virus
Geek Guy: but we sure need fans! to prevent overheating… imagine how much damage that can cause
Geek Girl: ohh yeah and especially when we tend to be so hot. might overheat. and a fuse might explode!
Geek Guy: yeah! so open your drive babe
Geek Girl: ohh love to feel the explosions inside
Geek Guy: let me fill it with a full cd
Geek Girl: no need to click a button? maybe that button is waiting to be touched by those fingers
Geek Guy: no time to waste lets startup! read my cd honey or scan it with your hot beam…
Geek Girl: ohhh i feel your cd circling inside mmmm
Geek Guy: lazer my numbers..
Geek Girl: 10111010101110101010001010111
Geek Guy: read my 1 and 0 and hummm then you feel they match as my numbers, harmony with your warm inside reader
Geek Girl: its all penetrating from my 0 and your 1
Geek Guy: but i haven’t injected you yet my ink is still in the cartridge. let me print that white paper
Geek Girl: well don’t spill the ink on the hardware
Geek Guy: dont stop caressing the inject mouth it might get full
Geek Girl: ohh i wont stop. mixing the ink so deep cant wait to taste that white product
Geek Girl: mmmm and how i love that on button its red. and i can hear the bzzzzzzttt bzzzzzttt of the printer now
Geek Guy: i love to caress that shiny warm round light. sometimes you almost see the fingerprints
Geek Girl: you tickle me
Geek Guy: i make my finger moist and rub it. i hear the fan hummm and hummm
Geek Girl: don’t stop and the screen flashes its hyper-threading seven times faster than non-HT
Geek Guy: as you take that stick in, and suck all its info out of it
Geek Girl: slooow downloads fast uploads. well I’m dial up and your DSL thats why. but let it hang a bit. love to feel the warmth inside while it stops.
Geek Guy: still we have such a perfect connection
Geek Girl: and after a few seconds move your cursor up touch my red X. click the X babe its still there.. it hang so click it some more
Geek Guy: oooh babe let me give all the data i have
Geek Girl: double click while your uploading
Geek Guy: XXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXX
Geek Girl: xxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxx
Geek Girl: 90% complete now… mmmm 92.. 94
Geek Girl: mmmmmm 96 cummminnn
Geek Girl: 99%
Geek Girl: oohhh Over heat! beep beep beep!
Geek Guy: release data. circuits vibrating. fans on topspeed
Geek Girl: now time to save
Geek Guy: a blanc hard disc space is filled now. let me stay a while, my role is out you do the translation now
Geek Girl: no time for blue screens. and drive is opening to let the cd out
Geek Guy: or an erased HD, now even windows will work on me again
Geek Girl: safely remove hardware now. oh, it’s wet!
Geek Guy: ooooh leaking valubale data be careful. let me plug out
Geek Girl: then time to lick those.. no data should be wasted
Geek Guy: time to turn the switch. but i really hope we are connected soon again!
Geek Girl: well we can reconnect now.. download a second time
Geek Guy: let me put a safe cover over the comp to protect it against dust and dirt. i still feel that warmth.. in my box
Geek Guy: what you didn’t know i read your disc too i installed a little secret program that transfered valuable info about your circuits
Geek Girl: so now that secret program might grow in a few months time?
Geek Guy: i can monitor your moves how you tread things. but i hope my data result in that!
Geek Girl: well don’t worry I’ll take care of the data with all my power supply and protect it with the best anti-virus from Cnet
Geek Guy: I know! but be sure to put the comp off now and then to much other programs running could slow the growth of more valuable programs
Geek Girl: ohh i wont multi-task too much if thats needed! and no porn sites for you that has pop-ups. its gonna disturb the growing program
Geek Guy: you have the sweetest motherboard thats for sure! all those sweet connections those various thingies which i don’t know the english name for… but its all in one perfect harmony

And the file transfer was unqueued the second time…
short circuits.
system overload.
crash…

—
photo credit: “Geek girl on the bedroom” by: Liberoliber

Have you ever wondered where one’s soul goes after death? Let’s say there is an afterlife but not your own. Some religions have their own versions of reincarnation, But some condemn such a belief. Catholicism do not have this in their doctrine. And there is only one human (half-human half-god that is) who defiled the law of death by resurrection.

Ironically in the Philippines, a great deal of catholics believ in a “past life”. And yet we are the only Catholic/Christian nation in Asia.

Anyway, I don’t wanna write about its history and all. I will leave that to Google who has all the answers. Haha! On second thought, is God disguising as Google? hmm.. that’ll be another topic.

Lol! Last night when I was dazzling up with my normal workload, half browsing, half working…ok, chatting too… a colleague from the IT Dept. mentioned he believes in a past life. And asked my position on this. I first said, I don’t believe. But I’m avoiding being too sensitive with this topic, I reserve that with my moogie discussions with somebody else *.*

So, I playfully said that on second thought maybe God recycle souls.. I got a LOL for a reply. Then he said God can just permanently delete the bad souls from the recycle bin. Then I rebutted that there is a Recovery Program who can bring back a deleted soul. ANd contradicting myself, that by right-clicking, an Eraser Program can delete absolutely.

Then he said how God out-does their OT (overtime) at work, for he is “On Monitor” 24/7. And that he is so mighty that he gets tons of emails per second, and still manages to reply to all.

I then saw some recycled thoughts from the film Bruce Almighty, a sarcastic approach to life with religious undertones. Silly film, but worth the watch.

Anyway, I then remembered the recent implementation of MS Outlook at work. Getting an average of 10 emails a day plus replies in the sent messages, slows up my 40-Gb pc. (reason for me not to use outlook)

So, I continued saying to him that what if God has only less than 1Gb free space left? With decreasing bandwidth due to multi-multi tasking, crashes the system all at the same time? Up to no challenge, he replied “that will never happen. coz his bandwidth is limitless and so is his storage”

Ok, I have rebuttals for that up my sleeve, but to stop this nonsense, I just agreed and said it’s my coffee break and BRB later.

So I went to make me some coffee, added up a dash of Swiss Miss Caramel then went back to my seat. And then, instead of clicking the same window, I went to talking about Stereolab and Yo La Tengo and our CD collection with my moogie. I sent an email to a client, printed some research work, encoded some paper work, answered queries from a couple of agents, replied to an IM from the QA, called the attention of an agent on call having a dead air and replied to the Hellcats at Twisted.

Pfew! Multi-tasking and yet concentrating on more important issues. One more long sip from my creamy coffee and a deep sigh of relief.

That is just me having been right-clicked and refreshed.

—–
photo credit: Four recycle bins by soylentgreen23

current music: Slowdive - Shine [splendiferous mix] 4.02 MB
                    

A few weeks ago, because of the stress and pressure we all have on a deadline of a project, my colleagues suddenly felt the urge to go to Tagaytay. That was on the day I wasn’t required to show up on Saturday night overtime, because I was pulled out to ‘test’ a more difficult project.

I woke up from an sms of a colleague saying “wake up and get up! We are going to Tagaytay. NOW As in after shift. Get here ASAP.”

Is this some kind of a joke, at 3:00 am? I don’t think so. Then I rushed to open my pc. First, I was almost irritated that I wasted 3 hours sleeping instead of going online to speak with My Moogie *.* But then again, he knows (and always remind me, thanks!) to have my well deserved rest.

But as soon as I got online PING! PING! PRIINGG! Messages from work popped. And also from My Moogie. Ok, one at a time! So I said Hi to him first…

I had second thoughts on going to Tagaytay. But they rely on me since it seemed I am the only one who has been there recently, and knows what to ride and where to go. And Moogie is about to sleep too (check time zones, hehe..) So I promised to take pictures for him and he let me go with them.

I am anticipating the feeling of being in Tagaytay too. I’ve been there many times with my family, but the last time I was there was so meaningful that I know Tagaytay will never be the same for me. There will always be that feeling of being with him. And seeing the sights makes me miss him more at the same time, no, because I felt he was just there.

And so I went.

Funny tho, that when I arrived at work, it was only 5 of us who will go. Fine with me, but I learned that a few more backed-out the last minute. Those who do not want to risk going on a rainy Manila Sunday morning, not knowing exactly where to go and what to ride.

When we got there, all the risk was worth it. The two hour bus trip lead us up the mountains with no rain. And the cloudy atmosphere made it perfect for a long walk looking over the lake and volcano. The temp was colder than the usual, and our jackets (that we usually only wear at work) were well suited.

And yes, I was right. It was an amazing sight and feeling. I was so proud of bringing Him *.* there with me last July. I showed my friends where we took pictures and ate at the same restaurant.

I highly recommend Leslie’s in Tagaytay. It’s just beside Starbucks. It’s a landmark so it wont be missed.

After brunch (breakfast + lunch) at Leslie’s, we went to Dencio’s for a few drinks. We stayed at the upper floor that has an equally amazing view. Overlooking the lake and Taal volcano, we even saw a mysterious rain that circled the lake. It was divided in two, then after a few hours, passed over our location and stayed only for a few minutes and went back to shower the lake.

Weekend in Tagaytay. Pfew! What a way to unwind.

Tho next time, I wanna have that coffee at Starbucks too. lol

—–
notes:
Mytempdir.com - free hosting service.
free download of slowdive expires in 5 days. anyone who wish to get it after expiration, pls leave a comment and i’d be glad to put it up again.

have a nice week everyone..

It was a sensory revolt. That’s what I can say. I am only done with the first of four chapters and yet I felt satisfied already. In a sense, like “what could be worse than that?” But in another aspect, the question that bothered me, was not why’s but how did they discover such acts to be pleasurable? Given that they, (the characters in the story) do find pleasure in pain.

Although strangely, on my own perspective, it seemed shocking, but it didn’t shock me. It seemed disturbing, but it didn’t disturb me. Maybe for a fact that this is just a story, just another novel. But on second thought, is it just a story, is it just a novel? Is it really fiction?

WARNING: The succeeding notes may be a spoiler.
Yeah, I know that some prefer not to know the story of the book before reading it. But think of this like a trailer of a movie. Don’t worry, since I’m only a fourth done, I wont be able to spoil the fun by revealing the whole plot.

It is unusual for me to write a review or even a comment on a book when I’m merely halfway finished. But the controversy behind this avant-garde and very VERY unusual book, broke all curiosity barriers. Knowing that this was written in the late 1940’s in France by an unknown author (hiding in the pseudonym Pauline Réage) made me doubt the fictitiousness of the characters. Yes, in this age and generation, and the internet, one can easily find groups and books of bondage, Sadomasochism and BDSM [definition]. But writing this in the 40’s? Hmm.. that is really brave of the author. And amazingly, one sees the purity of intent by not having anyone openly claim the ownership of the pseudonym.

There was even a controversy about the gender of the writer. But basing so far on the details of description, I too agree it’s not from a man’s pen these words aroused, be it real or fiction. But if it was a man, WOAH! for the beauty and detail that he sees!

There are books that “the public either hate or love” And I regard this as one that can fall in that classification. As of Lolita being an unconventional love story of an older man to a 13 year old, some criticize it as promoting pedophilia. But on contrary, I see its literary intent. So as in the Story of O.

Do you agree with me, that you find a book appealing, if you somehow see yourself within the pages, or relate to a certain character in it? It doesn’t have to be the hero or heroine. Well, somehow, I do cling to that thought. But the line “you are what you read” doesn’t necessarily meant true all the time. The genre might be, at some point, but the book itself, I have second thoughts on that. Especially now, that I somehow have a special relationship with this book, if not with O.

Pleasure in Pain. Strange, that now the idea of Sigmund Freud’s “Beyond the Pleasure Principle” gets to me. (Ehem, somebody promised to return my book btw *.* now I have no reference to tag some lines, anyway..) Let me quote Nietzsche, from “Good and Evil versus Good and Bad” which contrasts Slave Morality and Master Morality.

“Slave morality immediately says No to what comes from the outside, to what is different, to what is not oneself: and this No is its creative deed. The reversal of it - this necessary direction, outward, instead of back to oneself - is of the nature of ressentiment: to come into being. Slave morality requires an outside world, a counterworld. It requires stimuli in order to react at all.”

And in this submission to that stimuli redeems the slave; fulfills; gratifies.

After reading as far as I had with the Story of O, I came to the thought that physical pain doesn’t necessarily have to be emotionally painful too. The key is trust and consent. There is a fine line between that, and emotional torment. But when you combine emotional and physical torment, that is another story. That is something morally intolerable. Something that I, personally, would definitely break away from.

No, the book or the thought that I liked the book (so far) should not bring horror or fright to you, dear readers. Yes, it is un-christian, un-catholic of me to say that. Given that it is not a popular practice here, nor would it be legal, if there would be anyone who does such in the first place. But there is no religion with which such acts done in the story would tolerate. Although there are notably some countries, like Japan, Germany, Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands, who legalized them. (now should that scare me?)

So far, I see the naivety of O to her submission to Renee, and yet, the cunning way Renee shows his love to her is unconventional. It may seem abusive. But defining abuse per se, is when the other party is unwillingly loosing her right. The story depicts the feeling of being free from oneself, and submitting totally to one’s master, one’s love, or here, termed “god”. Isn’t that religious in some level?

The Story of O is one of those books which marks the reader, which leaves him not quite, or not at all, the same as he was before he read it.

The Story of O. Love it. Or hate it. That’s it. See only the obvious or read in between the lines, with openness of mind, and appreciate the literary freedom it instills.

And before my readers curse me or think differently of me, I can assure you I may have found pleasure in reading this, but in actual life, I’d rather be conventional and add up my own spice, my own kink. hehe…

hmm.. now time to finish the book and think if I should hunt for Marquis de Sade books, maybe that “whipping” book. *.* lol

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparringly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should have never agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.”

related links:
Story of O [The Movie]

photo credit: “Release me” by ~*Leah*~
original photo-post: “Surreal Sunday” by Mindless Afternoon

Hmm… Melody with Robin Guthrie… now that, I’m not surprised to see. I knew the first day i saw them play live, someday such a talent, will bring her somewhere.

Sugar Hiccup. The only local band who almost gained equal grounds to that of Cocteau Twins in this country. Well, ok for starters, Cocteau Twins aren’t popular in the Ph. It can’t even be counted in statistics how much percent of the population knew them, less those who knew them and didn’t like them that much. I guess, Goth will never be, and is never bound to fame - here in the Ph. (That is actually a positive comment). Well, what can i say? Sugar Hiccup is, if not the only, the first ethereal group in the Ph that had an album under a major label.

Ok, if asked now, i know i have not enough knowledge about the present local music scene. Pff! But, ‘Underground’ and ‘Alternative’ remains to be but a cliche here. And dreampop is starting to be a widespread misinterpretation. Blah Blah..

Hmm.. so why am i writing about a band formed in 1994 that had their first album a year later, then disappeared from the limelight a few years after the second album? Well, its because the stupid ones who thought they were a one-hit-wonder suddenly invades my private space.

I never got tired of their song “Five Years” but that’s not the only song they have. Yes, they are under-rated. Such a talent hiding from the populace. That makes them even more amazing! But, they are not “underground” and they need not any lyrics to prove what they are about.

Rant rant rave insane blah! Well, it’s just that a colleague who formerly laughed at my choice of music when they heard it from my pc, who said i listen to songs that makes you feel you wanna commit suicide the next day (not that i am offended by that, i instead felt thankful he/they didn’t like it and i need not explain and lecture them of what i am into), suddenly asks about Sugar Hiccup and suddenly hums ‘Five Years’ while dialing to call those Managers at work.

Whaaaat??!!

It was irritating when at the same week, he was singing a Micheal Bolton-ish thingy. I dunno who sang the song he was reeking.. i just know that, that is NOT music! haaaa… (so?! any violent reactions?!)

The immunity to those kind of songs being played loud, inevitably came to me when i started working at my present job. One has to place imaginary earplugs and daydream they exsisted to “unhear” what they are singing. It’s like you’re so sick of hearing the “Pinoy Big Brother” theme you suddenly appreciate the sound of voice mail box beeps instead, and find it amusing.

The thing is, its me and my big mouth i wanna shut too.

He was transferred next to my cube last night and bugged me about “how much do i know about Sugar Hiccup”… i first replied “you know, that’s why internet was invented in the first place. For research. Do you see a modem attached to me?”

The only reply I got was a blank stare.

Ok, i think he suddenly forgot what a modem is.

Good.

Ha!

But after a while, there he is again.. “what was the only line in the song?” I played dumb by asking what song. Oh, yeah Five Years.. I didnt answer and pretended i was on a call.

“They sound good, but i wish they sing more clear lyrics” I pretended not to hear that. But deep inside.. grrrrrr

Then after a few complete calls, there he is again.. Do they have an album? I said none, so he will shut up. But instead he probed about what other songs do i know they have. That’s it! I said the have compilations with other bands. And my accidental answering made him more interested.

“They have a cool name for a band. Where do you think they got that? My mom said when you have hiccups, a spoonful of sugar cures it”

Wanna play naive eh? Sure! So i said “oh, wasn’t it that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down?” Haaa! Now my readers know how old i am coz of that last line. (Yeah, it’s from Mary Poppins)

He said “NO?” with one eyebrow up, and a tone like wondering what i meant of that. He didn’t get it, so i just said “maybe your mom knows all your questions, why don’t you ask her?”

Then he threw me a piece of paper rolled as the size of a pencil’s eraser.

Grr! “This means war!”

Ok, to be able to make this 19-year-old stop bugging me, i blurted “Shut up, they got it from a song of Cocteau Twins ok!”

YIKES!

For a teener, he sure knows how to “probe for an answer”. haaa!

To cut the long discussion short, he asked me to burn him songs of Cocteau Twins! WHAAAT?? NO WAY!

“I don’t believe you dont have anything of that band.”

I said their first album was when i was merely 2 years old. so i dont have that. lol.. now that’s convincing (sarcatic tone) haa!

Well, today I didn’t show up at our Saturday overtime, i hope on Monday he forgets it. And I should just sleep this over huh?

Yeah..

—
related links:
Sugar Hiccup on AMG
Oracle / Womb - Albums of Sugar Hiccup

album where the song
“Sugar and Hiccup” can be heard :

  

Nice… I remember this place.. where I grew up.. running with my friends.. eating alateris during recess time, falling in line to go on that very tall slide… this is where I got my first bruise, had my first period (lol), and my first crush..erm.. female crush! hehe… where I used my first camera, I learned to use a paintbrush (properly) for the first time, and realized I am not and never will be into sports! HA!

But all the same.. it was those good years that maybe helped me form who I am now. And I believe now that the foundation of a person does not rely solely at home, but also from one’s school, to be particular, grade school. Coz in school is where kids spend more than half their lives!

Although yeah, the happiest was still in high school! who wouldn’t agree with me?

I just hope now that I am no longer a kid, I won’t spend more than half my life at work.

—
photo credit: Renaissance Girl
and, sorry can’t find the english translation of “alateris”

current music: Hugo Largo - Drum (listen to a track 6, “Country“. Tho pls info me if the link doesnt work or give a free download)

“Mimi’s voice conjures up a long plummet through white light and space. It’s like a parachutist still in free fall, who seems briefly weightless and adrift in an ocean of air.” -Melody Maker

The first song that I heard from Hugo Largo was “Fancy” - their cover of the Kink’s classic. But that time I didnt knew it was a cover. Her ethereal and dark mood caught my attention, adding the simple yet mysterious lyrics. Up until now, the last line haunts me. “No one can penetrate me, They only see what’s in their own fancy, always.” The first time it struct me, it conveys exactly how I feel. And this lived to become my motto. (Read the full lyrics here)

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I feel this is going to be a long post.

The thing is, one would know if I am not in my best mood, when I listen to Hugo Largo on repeat mode.. It just soothes me to listen to music that reflects how I feel, that I wont stop until I felt better. And yes, I just have to admit I was listening to this half the night, while waiting to talk to someone *.* online. I must say, that after that I felt so much better. And the remainder of the night turned out to be wonderful after all.

Today, well, technically, yesterday, I was suppose to go to three places. First, an out-of-town weekend with my family, second, watch a local play, and third go to a night swimming party hosted by one of my colleagues.

My colleague is leaving the company and that is like her farewell party. Too bad I wasnt there. And too bad I didnt know her that long. She’s one of the funniest sweetest girl at work. And could have been a good mentor too. I saw her cry when saying goodbye to some colleagues last friday. It was her last day, and the office can’t change her mind to stay. Last week also, another veteran called tendered her resignation. She was a bit close to me. And shared some little secrets with me too. We were all surprised at her sudden plan. But, let’s just say, when people move on to better opportunities, and greener pastures, nobody has the right to prevent nor stop it.

Since I had my present job, I almost can’t imagine that I used to be depressed. I was busy all the time, both on or offline, I was enhancing my potentials that I didnt notice I had before, and when I come home I have no time to think into emptiness coz after playing with Irvine, I’m so tired, I immediately fall asleep soon as my back touches the softness of my bed.

But today, despite all my plans, call it sheer (bad) luck, my friend who planned to take me to that play, wasn’t able to buy tickets. I said I’d follow my family to the hotel where they’d stay ‘coz I was going to the swim party. But eh, plans didnt push thru coz I wasnt able to wake up on time. I got left by the rented van and nobody strangely replied to my sms’s.

I wasnt able to eat dinner on time and I’m just lazy to cook for myself. So I called several pizza shops to order food for delivery. But strangely, none of them is open past 11 pm. So settled on burgers. I managed to call one but the minimum price for delivery was too much for one meal so I needed to add more just to reach it. So I ordered bacon cheezeburger melt, baked potato with beefy cheese, a veggie salad and coke-in-can.

Past midnight a surprise came. Remember that friendster friend? I heard a knock on my gate that almost scared me, thought it was a ghost. Well, a ghost from the past indeed. He was there, and a car behind him. Apparently, he was with 3 friends but they insisted on staying in the car. He just said he’d like to drop by say hi and just give me a Blueberry cheezecake and greentea yogurt freeze. Woah my faves! He still remembered… But, his visit was so sudden that I didnt know if I should be glad on seeing him or should close the door on him. But for good gesture, I let him in. He just stayed for 5 minutes (or less). Asked how I was, where I’m working, told a little about where he is now. Then asked me if I was happy with my life. I said yes, but with a doubtful tone. Not because I was doubting my answer but because I was wondering why he asked me that. But he was really on a hurry and just wanted to give the cake to me. I asked what the occasion was, he said “nothing” just add him to my friends at friendster. Pff! He asked to take one pic of me with him, on his mobile, I got paranoid. But ok, nothing’s wrong with a pic I thought. I wanted to ask, Did you make a dare with your friends? Coz you smell like you drank. but I just kept silent. Then he left and promised to visit me again. I didnt know what to say, but just thank him for the gift. I felt I got that confused troubled look on my face.

Soon as he left, I called the burger shop coz its almost 2 hours and nobody came yet. They apologized, said my location was out of their service area, so I should wait. Then the delivery man called. He got lost and asked for landmarks near my place. After some minutes he arrived. I paid him then went inside. Some neighbors were strangely on the street (I never noticed them out this late before). My paranoia level went up some more. Were they wondering who just visited me with the noisy boom boom car? And why that time and that short? And why is he wearing shades? At night? And what’s up with delivery at past midnight? Well, some neighbors can start stories you know. But that didnt worry me much.

The thing is, who’s gonna eat all these food? And much cheese I realized too. I changed the cd on my player from Slowdive to Fieldmice. Took one bite from the baked potato, sipped my greentea halfway. Then lost appetite. Sat on the floor, looked into emptiness. And listened… “To her decision, she’s gone, she have decided to leave, if someone were to ask me, I’d say its remarkable, that she has stayed this long…” (from Landmark) Then I started to cry. Suddenly, I felt so alone. Looking at all these food, feeling the silence of the house, staring at my pc (wasn’t open that time), listening to Fieldmice.

Why am I crying? I don’t know. It was a burst of feelings from deep inside. I realized how superficial things are. People come and go. And not all expectations can be met. I dunno it was like a bolt of thoughts raced in my mind. What have I done for the past nine years? What am I doing? Where am I heading? And am I truly happy?

I stopped to think. I didnt answer my own questions. I just stared into the space between me and the wall. And tears continually flow slowly from my eyes til it was almost swollen. “Another late night back from the other side of the world, it’s been a long long day… I want to go see her and tell her what I’ve done.. thinking are we, are we passing up something we, something we should know. This friendship is, this friendship is, forever and ever.. and to break it up not ever, break it up not ever.” (from Star of David) I stopped the player after that song. My eyes searched the room.. for nothing in particular. Then I switched cds again. This time, I played Hugo Largo. I stopped crying after the 3rd song, Fancy. Then I continued to eat the baked potato and opened my pc. He wasnt there yet. So I waited… and waited… and willing to wait some more… I will wait til you come…

Then he came. And all turned out better now. It was just a lapse, a slight slide from my focus. Or was this bizarre day just pointing to one direction still? Despite all things passing by, only proves who I know would stay. And who I know sees what’s on my mind; what’s in me.

So, yes, no one can penetrate me, they only see what’s in their own fancy… but not anymore.

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music notes: Whatever happened to Hugo Largo and Mimi Goese? Read here>>
Where is The Field Mice? Read their story at shinkansen. Or a review of their reissues

Music: Eluvium - We Say Goodbye to Ourselves
                    

   

Running away from j.. i left the city.. the people who knows me, and the things i do everyday. i gave myself the space and time to be all alone.. to think. and not to think.

Opportunity paved its way. And some unavoidable circumstances placed me where i am. and where i’ve been. So what should one do but accept?

It only took about 4 hours to run away from everything. And on the way, what i saw was an opening.. a wider space, a road that seemed to never end. And it was telling me that beyond all the chaos, there is still hope. there is still peace.

   

It only took 4 days for me to realize where i want to be for a while. where i want to settle is still beyond those neverending roads tho. but where i am heading, i now know.

It only took long walks each day for me to see that there is beauty in this cruel world. and even how much i deem to think that life is unfair, one can make things easier with simplicity. By just removing all the stress, removing all the worries, and let the day be. How come i didnt see that before? How come i didnt believe that before?

And now whats left is not only loneliness, heartaches and me, but neverending possibilities..

And now i am not scared anymore.