Neko

There comes a time when books become our refuge to change one’s perception on an idea, or even, to the extreme, one’s perspective in life. Yes, there are books that entertain you but nonetheless leave you still where you were before reading it.

But there will always be that one book where it will touch you so deep you gotta have a copy of it, even if you already have read it. That book moved you so much you just gotta share it.

In almost the same time as I was reading the “Story of O”, by Pauline Réage [wiki], a colleague recommended “Eleven Minutes” by Paulo Coelho.

Knowing he is the author of that famous novel The Alchemist, made me not listen to this recommendation at first. But the mention of “yellow” as saying “lessen the pain” and “red” as saying “stop” indicated that indeed this novel is quite different from the popular ones the masses would easily bite into. A touch of sadism and sadomasochism gave a spice to a conventional love story. This made me not judge the book by its author’s popularity (which I am guilty of always doing).

Months have passed after I last heard of this controversial book. It was borrowed by another colleague who eventually ran away with her lover and left the company. The owner was on leave the day I found his book on his table, so I got it with no intention of bringing it home. I only planned on browsing through it, as I assumed it was just another novel to let me pass the time.

As another of my habit on judging a book, I always base the plot or the way of writing by the first paragraph. Yes, it is quite undignified to always read the first paragraph of a book before deciding to buy it or settle on spending time reading it. But that’s how I am. If the lines were boring, or badly written, or simply not my taste, I would close the book and move on. They say don’t judge a book by its cover. Well, the cover is simply not the thing that would make me look twice on even holding a book. The title of the book would play that role. I simply judge a book by its first paragraph.

Anyway, going back with this particular novel, the twist of a childish fairy-tale-hopeless-romantic-conventional first line with a modern fringe made me want to continue. So let me quote..

Once upon a time, there was a prostitute named Maria. Wait a minute, “once upon a time” is how all the best children’s stories begin and “prostitute” is a word for adults. How can I start a book with this apparent contradiction? But since at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss, let’s keep that beginning. Once upon a time there was a prostitute named Maria…

Now that’s something that stirred my curiosity cup!

Actually, as I was reading in between the pages of this novel, I came across a part where the heroin in the story wrote in her diary about a pebble thrown by the lake. This entry inspired me to write a short story which I inevitable gave the title “The Pebble”. Although this is supposedly based on the novel, the lines are (let me say it) too personal for me to publish or even let anyone read. Maybe in time…

Or maybe in another blog? Hehe.. (now that I have to remind myself in making)

Anyway, let me just recommend this book to those who are actually looking for another way of releasing those tensions the unconventional way. The psychological mix of Maria as a prostitute, an innocent girl, a femme fatale, an understanding mother, a woman, as a dreamer and a realist, with the awareness that the author is non-female is thought-provoking. Men are no different from women. Women just tend to be more emotional and expressive. But we all have that common outlook in life (some simply either hide it or deny it) – finding the one who will perfectly love us despite our imperfections.

This book did not entirely change my outlook in life, but it somehow made me think that dreams only cater the unexplainable. And in reality, a miracle is having one happy day of realizing our dream. It’s just a matter of seeing, feeling and accepting what life has to offer.

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photo credit: “DOMINATION” by maldonadophoto.com

Gee, I woke up at 3am. I opened my pc then realized I don’t have internet pre-paid. I knocked on my sister’s door, (who promised to buy one for me as she went out last night) but she apologized for forgetting. I got my money back. But I’d rather pay her double just to hand me a card.

It’s too late to buy one now. All stores are closed. And due to my lack of time, I even don’t have load to sms abroad. Geesh! I’m so pathetic! So I just sulk in the corner of my room. lol

I calculated the time to find out that I have slept more than the usual. ohh what a waste, i thought. This is the downward/effect of those insomnia attacks I had for weeks! And there is so much to do, so much to read, so much to talk about… and so much time lost by going to work at night. brr…

And now all I want is enough load to call.. not that I don’t have the money, I just don’t have time to buy stuff.

Anyway, to burn off the time until stores open here, I picked up one of the books I bought last cut off sale at National Bookstore. Another thing, it was a rush bargain. the sale lasted for weeks, but due to my work eating so much of my time, leaving only a forth of a day as free hours, I totally forgot the yearly sale. oh.. 20-70% on all books! (read: ALL BOOKS!)

And I was only able to storm all isles in just one store, 5 hours before closing time, of the last day of sale! sniiff

So I ended up buying only 3 books.
1) Story of O - Pauline Réage
2) Harold Pinter’s Complete Works Vol.1 (1954-1960)
3) The Lost Boy - Dave Pelzer

Yeah, I wrote about Story of O a few days back, and I must confess I haven’t finished it yet. But instead of grabbing it, I got The Lost Boy and consumed only a few hours before I finally flipped the last page, and the back cover shut.

Erm, it was ok. But I was expecting more. I guess, reading the first book of Pelzer, A Child Called It, made me thought the sequel was equally horrific. Especially, reading the lines at the back cover, and I quote,

“As a child, Dave never had a real home. Rescued from an alcoholic mother.. the only world he knew was one of isolation and fear.. There were those who felt that all foster kids were trouble -unworthy of love- and resented his presence, forcing him to suffer yet more shame.”

But not that I was dismayed at what happened in the story, it’s an autobiography.. so reality-wise it should sound realistic too. And it did.

I guess the first book left that hanging question of why did such a young child receive so much abuse? And well, still haven’t got the answer on the sequel, but it left you the feeling of not bothering to dig up the reason, but to just move on.

But going back to the first book, A Child Called ‘It’. The book was just so unbelievable that it breaks your heart reading what horrible things the little boy suffered under the hands of his own mother. And yep, at first, I recommended this book to everyone I know who wants to cry while reading. Tho strangely, none of them shed a tear while reading. Ok, that was strange. When I was reading the first book, all I did was cry while flipping the pages. And a mere handkerchief is not enough to absorb all my tears, I even used a shirt! And I can openly declare that no other book made me cry so much as this!

Geesh, what’s up with me? Either I am easily moved or all 5 people who I know read this book were hard. As stone.

The owner of that book claimed she didn’t cry but felt sorry for the child. She then passed it on to a male colleague, who didn’t admit if it made him cry, but he listed this as one of his fave books, a female colleague read it next, while in a party (thus, excuses her for not being able to cry), then came me, I read it and wham! It shook me off so much I immediately passed it on to my mother, erm, step-mother. After that, an aunt and a cousin, and now it’s with a female friend.

None of them cried. What?!

And the scary part is, step mom said “it’s a one-sided story. Maybe there is a reason why the mom was so mean. Maybe he was really a bad boy. She was nice to other kids.” (Even if!)

As she said that, I felt my eyes grew wide, and I sensed she saw it and she immediately retracted her comment by saying “maybe the kid was the dad’s son from another woman and the dad did something again that’s why she was mad at the boy.” (But, hey, even if!)

Even if the boy was so bad, or he was someone else’s son, that’s not enough reason, actually there is no enough reason, for a young boy to be treated that way! Not even anyone! Nobody deserved to be treated that way! It’s merely inhuman! And the mom of Dave, I must say, is so horrible and disturbing! And she felt no remorse! (I don’t want to spoil the story by listing the things she has done to her son tho)

FACT: The case of Dave Pelzer is the third worst case of child abuse in the state of CA, that time.

I could not even imagine what it was like for the other two!

But I didn’t show these reactions to her.. I just felt the urge to read the sequel then to prove her wrong. But when I read the second book, I doubt if I should pass it to her. The Lost Boy didn’t really place the mom in a way as the first did. Now she might think her acts were justifiable.

Erm, for now I have to watch my moves around her then, and watch hers too.

Hmm.. maybe I’m over-reacting and paranoid, I lack sleep or over-slept, or just freaking out coz I don’t have net access, but read the book and you might understand.

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photo credit: “5 AM” by kargadan

It was a sensory revolt. That’s what I can say. I am only done with the first of four chapters and yet I felt satisfied already. In a sense, like “what could be worse than that?” But in another aspect, the question that bothered me, was not why’s but how did they discover such acts to be pleasurable? Given that they, (the characters in the story) do find pleasure in pain.

Although strangely, on my own perspective, it seemed shocking, but it didn’t shock me. It seemed disturbing, but it didn’t disturb me. Maybe for a fact that this is just a story, just another novel. But on second thought, is it just a story, is it just a novel? Is it really fiction?

WARNING: The succeeding notes may be a spoiler.
Yeah, I know that some prefer not to know the story of the book before reading it. But think of this like a trailer of a movie. Don’t worry, since I’m only a fourth done, I wont be able to spoil the fun by revealing the whole plot.

It is unusual for me to write a review or even a comment on a book when I’m merely halfway finished. But the controversy behind this avant-garde and very VERY unusual book, broke all curiosity barriers. Knowing that this was written in the late 1940’s in France by an unknown author (hiding in the pseudonym Pauline Réage) made me doubt the fictitiousness of the characters. Yes, in this age and generation, and the internet, one can easily find groups and books of bondage, Sadomasochism and BDSM [definition]. But writing this in the 40’s? Hmm.. that is really brave of the author. And amazingly, one sees the purity of intent by not having anyone openly claim the ownership of the pseudonym.

There was even a controversy about the gender of the writer. But basing so far on the details of description, I too agree it’s not from a man’s pen these words aroused, be it real or fiction. But if it was a man, WOAH! for the beauty and detail that he sees!

There are books that “the public either hate or love” And I regard this as one that can fall in that classification. As of Lolita being an unconventional love story of an older man to a 13 year old, some criticize it as promoting pedophilia. But on contrary, I see its literary intent. So as in the Story of O.

Do you agree with me, that you find a book appealing, if you somehow see yourself within the pages, or relate to a certain character in it? It doesn’t have to be the hero or heroine. Well, somehow, I do cling to that thought. But the line “you are what you read” doesn’t necessarily meant true all the time. The genre might be, at some point, but the book itself, I have second thoughts on that. Especially now, that I somehow have a special relationship with this book, if not with O.

Pleasure in Pain. Strange, that now the idea of Sigmund Freud’s “Beyond the Pleasure Principle” gets to me. (Ehem, somebody promised to return my book btw *.* now I have no reference to tag some lines, anyway..) Let me quote Nietzsche, from “Good and Evil versus Good and Bad” which contrasts Slave Morality and Master Morality.

“Slave morality immediately says No to what comes from the outside, to what is different, to what is not oneself: and this No is its creative deed. The reversal of it - this necessary direction, outward, instead of back to oneself - is of the nature of ressentiment: to come into being. Slave morality requires an outside world, a counterworld. It requires stimuli in order to react at all.”

And in this submission to that stimuli redeems the slave; fulfills; gratifies.

After reading as far as I had with the Story of O, I came to the thought that physical pain doesn’t necessarily have to be emotionally painful too. The key is trust and consent. There is a fine line between that, and emotional torment. But when you combine emotional and physical torment, that is another story. That is something morally intolerable. Something that I, personally, would definitely break away from.

No, the book or the thought that I liked the book (so far) should not bring horror or fright to you, dear readers. Yes, it is un-christian, un-catholic of me to say that. Given that it is not a popular practice here, nor would it be legal, if there would be anyone who does such in the first place. But there is no religion with which such acts done in the story would tolerate. Although there are notably some countries, like Japan, Germany, Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands, who legalized them. (now should that scare me?)

So far, I see the naivety of O to her submission to Renee, and yet, the cunning way Renee shows his love to her is unconventional. It may seem abusive. But defining abuse per se, is when the other party is unwillingly loosing her right. The story depicts the feeling of being free from oneself, and submitting totally to one’s master, one’s love, or here, termed “god”. Isn’t that religious in some level?

The Story of O is one of those books which marks the reader, which leaves him not quite, or not at all, the same as he was before he read it.

The Story of O. Love it. Or hate it. That’s it. See only the obvious or read in between the lines, with openness of mind, and appreciate the literary freedom it instills.

And before my readers curse me or think differently of me, I can assure you I may have found pleasure in reading this, but in actual life, I’d rather be conventional and add up my own spice, my own kink. hehe…

hmm.. now time to finish the book and think if I should hunt for Marquis de Sade books, maybe that “whipping” book. *.* lol

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparringly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should have never agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.”

related links:
Story of O [The Movie]

photo credit: “Release me” by ~*Leah*~
original photo-post: “Surreal Sunday” by Mindless Afternoon

shit! shit! shit!!! there he goes again!!!!

there i was mindin my own biz, waiting for some queued files, googling up some post bulletin, when Ping! slsk message… Ping! Ping!… ok ok i better see who it was…
click: Restore.

oh, hi! no.. im up early not because im making another illo. no.. dont have the Photoshop CS2 installer yet. is this ok for a CV line? yes, i think you should put up your own bookstore. and Math is not completely erased from one’s mind back to zero. Zero is still a number. two, i only have two original cds of The Cranes, Loved and Live in Italy. Yes i think you should study French too! oohh btw, i just bought today “Getting Along in French: Language book for beginners” by Mario Pei and John Fisher. so strange coincidence again! (oh this i forgot to mention, or was it too little time we had again?)

there we were trading files, mp3s, vids and words… when blag! another movie in 10 minutes.. no, oh.. erm, 5…

and he havent seen completely High Fidelity. lost concentration at the end and lost some scenes at the beginning. SORRY! My Fault, i was still blabbing some words when you were suppose to be watchin!

i hope one day he finds this blog!

      
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexual content, a rape scene, drug use and language.

then again, maybe this film is indeed worth watchin on your new telly!

Lilja 4-ever quotes from the review, dried my tears of anguish away (abit)…

“Everyone has been involved in situations when one needs to know what the person in front of him or her is thinking.” - - Yes! Like i do now!

“The only hope she has is her dream that one day she would be able to go to a beautiful country where she would meet hospitable people and have many opportunities. She is striving for happiness and tries to find it anywhere she can. Unfortunately, the only people who offer their help are little Volodja and a deceitful man… Ironically, the only person who truly likes and wants to help her is incapable of doing so. His life is as miserable as hers.“ - Kinda reminds me of erm.. Lolita. Read anexcerpt (for those who havent read it yet).

      

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note(s): what was that quote again about wrapping me in a naked (supposedly meant transparent) bottle?

oh, and btw, (*goosebumps) also bought today the book of Vladimir Nabokov’s heir, Thom Palmer’s “The Florentine Papers”. strange .. strange…

and strangely beautiful is my newest vid download The Cure - The Caterpillar ..with butterflies flying… and made me think of Nabokov’s Butterflies….

far apart, some things are still connected. or am i dreaming too much again? can’t be! havent slept since erm.. havent slept. i think in 2 days! ey i lost count. ok naps.. but nope. not.

eh ok i better dive to bed indeed.