Neko

Gee, I woke up at 3am. I opened my pc then realized I don’t have internet pre-paid. I knocked on my sister’s door, (who promised to buy one for me as she went out last night) but she apologized for forgetting. I got my money back. But I’d rather pay her double just to hand me a card.

It’s too late to buy one now. All stores are closed. And due to my lack of time, I even don’t have load to sms abroad. Geesh! I’m so pathetic! So I just sulk in the corner of my room. lol

I calculated the time to find out that I have slept more than the usual. ohh what a waste, i thought. This is the downward/effect of those insomnia attacks I had for weeks! And there is so much to do, so much to read, so much to talk about… and so much time lost by going to work at night. brr…

And now all I want is enough load to call.. not that I don’t have the money, I just don’t have time to buy stuff.

Anyway, to burn off the time until stores open here, I picked up one of the books I bought last cut off sale at National Bookstore. Another thing, it was a rush bargain. the sale lasted for weeks, but due to my work eating so much of my time, leaving only a forth of a day as free hours, I totally forgot the yearly sale. oh.. 20-70% on all books! (read: ALL BOOKS!)

And I was only able to storm all isles in just one store, 5 hours before closing time, of the last day of sale! sniiff

So I ended up buying only 3 books.
1) Story of O - Pauline Réage
2) Harold Pinter’s Complete Works Vol.1 (1954-1960)
3) The Lost Boy - Dave Pelzer

Yeah, I wrote about Story of O a few days back, and I must confess I haven’t finished it yet. But instead of grabbing it, I got The Lost Boy and consumed only a few hours before I finally flipped the last page, and the back cover shut.

Erm, it was ok. But I was expecting more. I guess, reading the first book of Pelzer, A Child Called It, made me thought the sequel was equally horrific. Especially, reading the lines at the back cover, and I quote,

“As a child, Dave never had a real home. Rescued from an alcoholic mother.. the only world he knew was one of isolation and fear.. There were those who felt that all foster kids were trouble -unworthy of love- and resented his presence, forcing him to suffer yet more shame.”

But not that I was dismayed at what happened in the story, it’s an autobiography.. so reality-wise it should sound realistic too. And it did.

I guess the first book left that hanging question of why did such a young child receive so much abuse? And well, still haven’t got the answer on the sequel, but it left you the feeling of not bothering to dig up the reason, but to just move on.

But going back to the first book, A Child Called ‘It’. The book was just so unbelievable that it breaks your heart reading what horrible things the little boy suffered under the hands of his own mother. And yep, at first, I recommended this book to everyone I know who wants to cry while reading. Tho strangely, none of them shed a tear while reading. Ok, that was strange. When I was reading the first book, all I did was cry while flipping the pages. And a mere handkerchief is not enough to absorb all my tears, I even used a shirt! And I can openly declare that no other book made me cry so much as this!

Geesh, what’s up with me? Either I am easily moved or all 5 people who I know read this book were hard. As stone.

The owner of that book claimed she didn’t cry but felt sorry for the child. She then passed it on to a male colleague, who didn’t admit if it made him cry, but he listed this as one of his fave books, a female colleague read it next, while in a party (thus, excuses her for not being able to cry), then came me, I read it and wham! It shook me off so much I immediately passed it on to my mother, erm, step-mother. After that, an aunt and a cousin, and now it’s with a female friend.

None of them cried. What?!

And the scary part is, step mom said “it’s a one-sided story. Maybe there is a reason why the mom was so mean. Maybe he was really a bad boy. She was nice to other kids.” (Even if!)

As she said that, I felt my eyes grew wide, and I sensed she saw it and she immediately retracted her comment by saying “maybe the kid was the dad’s son from another woman and the dad did something again that’s why she was mad at the boy.” (But, hey, even if!)

Even if the boy was so bad, or he was someone else’s son, that’s not enough reason, actually there is no enough reason, for a young boy to be treated that way! Not even anyone! Nobody deserved to be treated that way! It’s merely inhuman! And the mom of Dave, I must say, is so horrible and disturbing! And she felt no remorse! (I don’t want to spoil the story by listing the things she has done to her son tho)

FACT: The case of Dave Pelzer is the third worst case of child abuse in the state of CA, that time.

I could not even imagine what it was like for the other two!

But I didn’t show these reactions to her.. I just felt the urge to read the sequel then to prove her wrong. But when I read the second book, I doubt if I should pass it to her. The Lost Boy didn’t really place the mom in a way as the first did. Now she might think her acts were justifiable.

Erm, for now I have to watch my moves around her then, and watch hers too.

Hmm.. maybe I’m over-reacting and paranoid, I lack sleep or over-slept, or just freaking out coz I don’t have net access, but read the book and you might understand.

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photo credit: “5 AM” by kargadan

It was a sensory revolt. That’s what I can say. I am only done with the first of four chapters and yet I felt satisfied already. In a sense, like “what could be worse than that?” But in another aspect, the question that bothered me, was not why’s but how did they discover such acts to be pleasurable? Given that they, (the characters in the story) do find pleasure in pain.

Although strangely, on my own perspective, it seemed shocking, but it didn’t shock me. It seemed disturbing, but it didn’t disturb me. Maybe for a fact that this is just a story, just another novel. But on second thought, is it just a story, is it just a novel? Is it really fiction?

WARNING: The succeeding notes may be a spoiler.
Yeah, I know that some prefer not to know the story of the book before reading it. But think of this like a trailer of a movie. Don’t worry, since I’m only a fourth done, I wont be able to spoil the fun by revealing the whole plot.

It is unusual for me to write a review or even a comment on a book when I’m merely halfway finished. But the controversy behind this avant-garde and very VERY unusual book, broke all curiosity barriers. Knowing that this was written in the late 1940’s in France by an unknown author (hiding in the pseudonym Pauline Réage) made me doubt the fictitiousness of the characters. Yes, in this age and generation, and the internet, one can easily find groups and books of bondage, Sadomasochism and BDSM [definition]. But writing this in the 40’s? Hmm.. that is really brave of the author. And amazingly, one sees the purity of intent by not having anyone openly claim the ownership of the pseudonym.

There was even a controversy about the gender of the writer. But basing so far on the details of description, I too agree it’s not from a man’s pen these words aroused, be it real or fiction. But if it was a man, WOAH! for the beauty and detail that he sees!

There are books that “the public either hate or love” And I regard this as one that can fall in that classification. As of Lolita being an unconventional love story of an older man to a 13 year old, some criticize it as promoting pedophilia. But on contrary, I see its literary intent. So as in the Story of O.

Do you agree with me, that you find a book appealing, if you somehow see yourself within the pages, or relate to a certain character in it? It doesn’t have to be the hero or heroine. Well, somehow, I do cling to that thought. But the line “you are what you read” doesn’t necessarily meant true all the time. The genre might be, at some point, but the book itself, I have second thoughts on that. Especially now, that I somehow have a special relationship with this book, if not with O.

Pleasure in Pain. Strange, that now the idea of Sigmund Freud’s “Beyond the Pleasure Principle” gets to me. (Ehem, somebody promised to return my book btw *.* now I have no reference to tag some lines, anyway..) Let me quote Nietzsche, from “Good and Evil versus Good and Bad” which contrasts Slave Morality and Master Morality.

“Slave morality immediately says No to what comes from the outside, to what is different, to what is not oneself: and this No is its creative deed. The reversal of it - this necessary direction, outward, instead of back to oneself - is of the nature of ressentiment: to come into being. Slave morality requires an outside world, a counterworld. It requires stimuli in order to react at all.”

And in this submission to that stimuli redeems the slave; fulfills; gratifies.

After reading as far as I had with the Story of O, I came to the thought that physical pain doesn’t necessarily have to be emotionally painful too. The key is trust and consent. There is a fine line between that, and emotional torment. But when you combine emotional and physical torment, that is another story. That is something morally intolerable. Something that I, personally, would definitely break away from.

No, the book or the thought that I liked the book (so far) should not bring horror or fright to you, dear readers. Yes, it is un-christian, un-catholic of me to say that. Given that it is not a popular practice here, nor would it be legal, if there would be anyone who does such in the first place. But there is no religion with which such acts done in the story would tolerate. Although there are notably some countries, like Japan, Germany, Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands, who legalized them. (now should that scare me?)

So far, I see the naivety of O to her submission to Renee, and yet, the cunning way Renee shows his love to her is unconventional. It may seem abusive. But defining abuse per se, is when the other party is unwillingly loosing her right. The story depicts the feeling of being free from oneself, and submitting totally to one’s master, one’s love, or here, termed “god”. Isn’t that religious in some level?

The Story of O is one of those books which marks the reader, which leaves him not quite, or not at all, the same as he was before he read it.

The Story of O. Love it. Or hate it. That’s it. See only the obvious or read in between the lines, with openness of mind, and appreciate the literary freedom it instills.

And before my readers curse me or think differently of me, I can assure you I may have found pleasure in reading this, but in actual life, I’d rather be conventional and add up my own spice, my own kink. hehe…

hmm.. now time to finish the book and think if I should hunt for Marquis de Sade books, maybe that “whipping” book. *.* lol

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparringly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should have never agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.”

related links:
Story of O [The Movie]

photo credit: “Release me” by ~*Leah*~
original photo-post: “Surreal Sunday” by Mindless Afternoon

Hmm… Melody with Robin Guthrie… now that, I’m not surprised to see. I knew the first day i saw them play live, someday such a talent, will bring her somewhere.

Sugar Hiccup. The only local band who almost gained equal grounds to that of Cocteau Twins in this country. Well, ok for starters, Cocteau Twins aren’t popular in the Ph. It can’t even be counted in statistics how much percent of the population knew them, less those who knew them and didn’t like them that much. I guess, Goth will never be, and is never bound to fame - here in the Ph. (That is actually a positive comment). Well, what can i say? Sugar Hiccup is, if not the only, the first ethereal group in the Ph that had an album under a major label.

Ok, if asked now, i know i have not enough knowledge about the present local music scene. Pff! But, ‘Underground’ and ‘Alternative’ remains to be but a cliche here. And dreampop is starting to be a widespread misinterpretation. Blah Blah..

Hmm.. so why am i writing about a band formed in 1994 that had their first album a year later, then disappeared from the limelight a few years after the second album? Well, its because the stupid ones who thought they were a one-hit-wonder suddenly invades my private space.

I never got tired of their song “Five Years” but that’s not the only song they have. Yes, they are under-rated. Such a talent hiding from the populace. That makes them even more amazing! But, they are not “underground” and they need not any lyrics to prove what they are about.

Rant rant rave insane blah! Well, it’s just that a colleague who formerly laughed at my choice of music when they heard it from my pc, who said i listen to songs that makes you feel you wanna commit suicide the next day (not that i am offended by that, i instead felt thankful he/they didn’t like it and i need not explain and lecture them of what i am into), suddenly asks about Sugar Hiccup and suddenly hums ‘Five Years’ while dialing to call those Managers at work.

Whaaaat??!!

It was irritating when at the same week, he was singing a Micheal Bolton-ish thingy. I dunno who sang the song he was reeking.. i just know that, that is NOT music! haaaa… (so?! any violent reactions?!)

The immunity to those kind of songs being played loud, inevitably came to me when i started working at my present job. One has to place imaginary earplugs and daydream they exsisted to “unhear” what they are singing. It’s like you’re so sick of hearing the “Pinoy Big Brother” theme you suddenly appreciate the sound of voice mail box beeps instead, and find it amusing.

The thing is, its me and my big mouth i wanna shut too.

He was transferred next to my cube last night and bugged me about “how much do i know about Sugar Hiccup”… i first replied “you know, that’s why internet was invented in the first place. For research. Do you see a modem attached to me?”

The only reply I got was a blank stare.

Ok, i think he suddenly forgot what a modem is.

Good.

Ha!

But after a while, there he is again.. “what was the only line in the song?” I played dumb by asking what song. Oh, yeah Five Years.. I didnt answer and pretended i was on a call.

“They sound good, but i wish they sing more clear lyrics” I pretended not to hear that. But deep inside.. grrrrrr

Then after a few complete calls, there he is again.. Do they have an album? I said none, so he will shut up. But instead he probed about what other songs do i know they have. That’s it! I said the have compilations with other bands. And my accidental answering made him more interested.

“They have a cool name for a band. Where do you think they got that? My mom said when you have hiccups, a spoonful of sugar cures it”

Wanna play naive eh? Sure! So i said “oh, wasn’t it that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down?” Haaa! Now my readers know how old i am coz of that last line. (Yeah, it’s from Mary Poppins)

He said “NO?” with one eyebrow up, and a tone like wondering what i meant of that. He didn’t get it, so i just said “maybe your mom knows all your questions, why don’t you ask her?”

Then he threw me a piece of paper rolled as the size of a pencil’s eraser.

Grr! “This means war!”

Ok, to be able to make this 19-year-old stop bugging me, i blurted “Shut up, they got it from a song of Cocteau Twins ok!”

YIKES!

For a teener, he sure knows how to “probe for an answer”. haaa!

To cut the long discussion short, he asked me to burn him songs of Cocteau Twins! WHAAAT?? NO WAY!

“I don’t believe you dont have anything of that band.”

I said their first album was when i was merely 2 years old. so i dont have that. lol.. now that’s convincing (sarcatic tone) haa!

Well, today I didn’t show up at our Saturday overtime, i hope on Monday he forgets it. And I should just sleep this over huh?

Yeah..

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related links:
Sugar Hiccup on AMG
Oracle / Womb - Albums of Sugar Hiccup

album where the song
“Sugar and Hiccup” can be heard :

atomicvelvetsigh – [noun]: A hermit living in the big city ‘How will you be defined in the dictionary?’ at QuizGalaxy.com