Neko

bloghopping, i found this post about someone’s list on Top Ten reasons why being single sucks

And here’s what i commented (and more):

Being sinlge sucks sometimes, but havin a partner you dont agree with, (with almost everything) sucks even more.

The same as his (the link post above) sentiments, i think id be (physically) single in a long time too.. and it might not be (psychologically) healthy for some, but indeed i too have found better “people” online. with the blogs i come across with, people i meet. its so strange why these people do not exist in the real ‘walking’ life. i mean, most thoughts poured online are hidden in pseudonyms. in the ‘walking’ life.. no one would expect me to write like i do.. to speak of opinions like i have..

And strangely, with all the personalities i have seen on the blogsphere, i have created this “perfectly-shaped” person that would be the partner ill be willing to be with (let’s say until my hair turns to grey, or even… until the last breath of my existence). But the prob is, who would fit this image? who would have the same taste in music, books, poetry.. etc… hmm.. and the diversity of which i would be excitingly exploring as well as having these same feelings towards me too? who would i not bore to death? whose smile would seem to faint the brightest star?

ive been into relationships that mostly end up sour. not that there’s something wrong with me (or is there? i think they think im too weird for them), but it seems that either they hurt me (happens most of the time - one even physical) or i hurt them (happened once and he was my best friend). after all that, i am guilty of creating this protective shell around me which nobody would penetrate. i have created a world of my own which nobody would linger in… and then i found blogging. and then i found p2p file sharing… and then i met people with great minds and cool taste. and then my shattered world have been shed with light and the once lost pieces now glows and all of them are in sight. the only thing to do is pick them up one by one, place them all together.. with precision and patience. lots of patience.

i consider myself as a very patient individual, and trained myself to accept all the hurt without having revenge, without fighting for my rights. i tend to masquerade all my dreadfulness and darkism behind what people see of me. i easy laugh at the stupidest joke but deep inside i lack the laughter and smiles. but in the past seven years, not once did i went out with friends… not once did i enjoyed myself and my surrounding. because i was deprived. and i was agreeingly depriving myself. just recently did i feel there are interesting people in the ‘walking’ life.. but not as interesting as to know them more and be attached emotionally. Maybe i tend to shun my world, to close my eyes. or was there anyone brave enough to dig up my thoughts, decipher them?

Having said all that, i remember the film How to Make an American Quilt. And the tagline which lingers in my head after seeing that a decade ago was…

Who would you marry, your Best Friend or Your Soulmate?

Strangely, i havent figured out the answer yet. Because the questions that should be before it or follow it is.. Who is Your Best Friend? Who is Your Soulmate?

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note: added Graham to my list at twisted blog, now im thinking if i should re-post this there too..